From the time we’re children through adulthood, our parents urge us to listen to them. They are older, wiser, and full of information. Yet, somehow once they are elderly we stop listening. We tend to believe we know what is right for them or what decisions need made. You may not even know you are doing it, blocking out what your parent is saying because you have too much on your mind. Too many times, our elderly end up depressed because decisions were made about their life for them. It is time to stop and listen to what your aging parents are saying.

Even if a plan had been agreed on in the past for your parent’s post-retirement years, you should still address their comfort and happiness in their living and social situations periodically. If a parent planned on relocating to a facility in the past, they may have changed their mind and want to stay home. Talk through all of the options thoroughly before making decisions, consider every last detail. Would mom or dad do better at home with a caregiver or at a facility in assisted living? What are their needs, how social are they? Do not make any of these decision solely based on finances because even though that can be a big factor, it does not guarantee that decision provides day to day happiness.

If you parent is asking for help listen closely to what they are saying. Do they need physical help, or emotional? What degree of help are they looking for? Read between the lines if need be.  If they are not asking for help and you are worried for their safety, look for warning signs such as bruises from a fall, expired food in the refrigerator, or mismanagement of medications. Spark a non-judgmental conversation with no yelling or condescending behavior. Your parents may be getting older but they are still your parents. It may be time for them to have home care, move to a facility or even move in with you, but never stop listening.
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At any age we crave understanding and comfort from others, so do not let your elderly loved one go unheard.

Jenny K asks:
"I live right down the street from my mother and try to help her as much as I can. She has always been very independent but needs more and more help nowadays. She can forget to take her medicine, to throw away expired food, and she worries me when she takes a shower. She expects me to come over several times a day to help her but I am getting worn out as I have my own children and work full time. I want to ask for help but my mom makes me feel guilty if I can’t help her. Do you have any suggestions to help me balance everything?"

Lily's Reply:
Family caregivers becoming worn out is extremely common. The problem is that if you become drained, then you will be not be of any help to your family. Your children and your mother need you to be happy, healthy, and alert. Asking for help does not mean that you are weak, it means you are human. It doesn’t sound like your mother needs all day care or someone breathing down her neck so to speak but a part time caregiver could really do the trick.

​Many times people are opposed to “hired help” because they feel they are still too independent for those types of services. It can be a benefit to make it clear to mom that it’s not about her needing help, it’s about you needing help. Explaining that the caregiver will only be there for a short time and that you will still come over as much as possible could help as well. You can also explain that there are no long term contracts when it comes to home care, if she isn’t happy you can try another option. For all you know, your mother may end up wanting to spend more time with her new helper! The key here is for you to not feel like you are letting anyone down. Yes, it is our duty to help our parents as they age but not at the expense of your own health. Taking some responsibility off your plate can allow for more time to do fun things with mom so you can make enjoyable memories together.


If you have a question for Lily, send us an email or join our Facebook page to send a message!


*All information is meant as advice based on personal experience and should not be referred to as medical data.

Stacy M asks:  My dad has dementia and has been experiencing hallucinations. I try to tell him they are not real but he does not believe me and gets frustrated. What should I do to get him to believe me?

Dealing with hallucinations can be a very touchy subject. Do you agree and get wound up in the story or try to snap the person out of it? We have found that it is generally best to play along. People suffering from dementia tend to get agitated because they cannot express themselves properly. Telling them that what they clearly see or believe is not real is only going to agitate them more. Consider how you would feel if someone constantly told you that you were wrong and reminded you that your perception of reality was wrong. 

​This is not a matter of proving them right or wrong, this is a matter of keeping them calm. If your dad is experiencing a happy hallucination, what is the harm in playing along? If he thinks the Queen is in his living room, offer her tea. If the hallucination is causing stress, panic, or fear then help them escape the situation. If they believe a bad guy is in the house, then tell the bad guy to leave or take dad to another room where it is safe. This is a difficult topic because we are really never sure what the person is seeing or feeling. Living with dementia is hard enough, so the most important thing to keep in mind, is to always try to alleviate the stress and not agitate it.


*If you have a question for Lily, send us an email or join our Facebook page to send a message!


*All information is meant as advice based on personal experience and should not be referred to as medical data.

Laura S asks: My mother has dementia and she doesn’t make much sense anymore. She get anxious and starts fixating on things or gets agitated but sometimes she just says the most off the wall things and I really want to laugh. Is it okay to laugh at my mom’s confusion?
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This answer is completely based on personal experience, we feel that there are probably arguments for both sides. We believe that yes, it is okay to laugh. It is extremely difficult and draining to watch someone you love suffer from dementia. When your mom is anxious or frustrated and you’re doing your best to help, but nothing works, you may feel defeated. When she doesn’t remember your children’s names or thinks you’re still a small child, you may feel defeated. When she doesn’t remember how to properly use the toilet or how to dress herself, you may feel defeated. When she says something off the wall in a moment of tension, laugh. Laugh because you need to, she needs you to.

Of course,  there is a difference between laughing at her struggle and laughing at something silly she says but you are not laughing at her struggle, you are just releasing energy. If you stop laughing once your parent gets sick, you too will end up sick in one way or another.  She may even start laughing once she sees you laughing and it may be a laugh you haven’t heard in a long time. Dementia is scary and relentless, take the time to laugh with your mother. Those are the memories you want to make. She may not recognize you or know what day of the week it is, but she will see your smile and be comforted for those few moments.


If you have a question for Lily, send us an email or join our Facebook page to send a message!


*All information is meant as advice based on personal experience and should not be referred to as medical data.